Saturday, February 13, 2010

S.E.X. oh yeah, I am going there…

“No, it’s just a thought that never crosses my mind. S is for the simple need, E is for the ecstasy, X is just to mark the spot, ‘cause that’s the one you really want!” Thank you, Nickelback, for your song and description of “the deed”. Singers have been singing about sex, well, since people have started singing. Remember in 1987, when George Michael released “I Want Your Sex”, oh the horror, the censorship and the drama that surrounded that release? He paved the road for the singers of today, to just say it out loud. No longer would the Beach Boys have to change their lyrics to “stay with you” instead of “sleep with you”, to get airplay. We are groomed since from a very young age to desire sex. I remember when I was 18 and Garth Brooks came out with “That Summer” after singing along to the hook

We had a need to feel the thunder

To chase the lightning from the sky

To watch a storm with all it wonder

Written in her lover's eyes

She had to ride the heat of passion

Like a comet burning bright

Rushing headlong in the wind

Now where only dreams have been

Burning both ends of the night

in the car with my mother she looked over at me and said, “well, someone certainly has high expectations for sex”. She assured me it wasn’t as good as the song made it sound. I was 18, engaged to be married, and a virgin, I hoped she was wrong and Garth was right!

Unfortunately for me, I married a man that as it turns out detested sex, at least with me. I guess when you are two virgins marrying, you don’t always find a compatible sexual partner. I thought I was getting married for the shear purpose of having sex, which is what my mother wanted me to think. Heaven forbid the daughter she controlled and raised fornicate and have sex prior to marriage, what would her snobby judgmental friends think? I would go straight to hell, do not pass go do not collect $200.

It is kind of abnormal I realize now, that he NEVER wanted to have sex, not even when we were honeymooning. After a couple of years, I got tired of begging but I tried everything I could to make him want me. I lost weight, I gained weight (you mock but his mother was over 300#) although I never got more than pudgy. I exercised, I got lingerie, I did everything I could to try and make him happy so that I could “feel the thunder, chase the lightning from the sky”. But for 16 years, it was futile. Eventually I gave up and trusted that no man would ever be attracted to me. When hell froze over and he decided to touch me he had a set of laws; I had to be fresh from the shower (now don’t misunderstand this, I have never been stinky, I shower twice a day and use deodorant and brush my teeth twice a day, I am almost obsessive compulsive about being clean and thanks to him I think I do have OCD about that now), I was not allowed to make a sound, he never ever touched me orally (for years I didn’t know this was even a possibility) and he didn’t seem to care for it much when I attempted to pleasure him. Sex usually only lasted 2 to 5 minutes, it’s absurd, I knew I deserved better. My mother use to assure me that he had a low sex drive and low testosterone, and I begged him to see a Doctor on several occasions, I even asked countless times if he was gay. How many women have to ask their husbands if they are gay? He assured me he wasn’t, it was my fault, I was disgusting. Once he even told me he would prefer to pleasure himself rather than be with me. I can tell you without a doubt this was THE moment I shut down completely and began hating him. It took me another 3 years to get up the courage to leave him and his abusive behaviors.

I am a very good looking woman most people say I am beautiful. I am intelligent, well educated and well spoken. I am athletic and active. I am independent and kind. I deserved better. I am proud to announce I HAVE finally found better, and Nickelback, George, and Garth were all right! Sex with the right person is phenomenal, and it can last more than 5 minutes…who knew?

I admit after years of emotional abuse, I am scarred and emotional wounds don’t heal over night. I am not sure they ever heal completely, although I am optimistic. When it comes to sex I am still naïve, I use to call myself the 34 year old virgin because after so many years of never having sex, I am sure I won my virginity back, not by choice but by circumstance. I am pretty sure I could never “hide” my naivety there is only so much you can learn reading, watching porn and studying up for the big event, so I chose disclose this to men so there weren’t any surprises. I went from never having sex, to having a few “meaningless sexual experiences” after all, I was like Stella, just trying to get my groove back…or in my case, find my groove in the first place. I think I was out to prove women could have sex and date without getting their hearts or emotions involved. I told my closest friend I wanted to break hearts and have my heart broken a few times, I guess that’s what I thought living a normal life involved.

But, sometimes life or God or whatever or force you believe in has a different plan. That neighbor I talked about, well, he came into my life. It is not like I am proud of the way I was treated for 16 years, actually I am still mortified, and think if people find out they will end up judging me, or perhaps seeing a glimpse of whatever revolted my ex-husband. We ended up riding our motorcycles together one Monday and we were getting friendly enough that he needed to know I am damaged goods. It wasn’t long after that, that things between us started to get intimate. I think my heart was involved pretty much from the day that I met him. I say this because we decided to visit a mutual friend, but I realized he had invited another guy friend. I was crushed. I wanted to spend time alone with him. I took it as a sign that he didn’t reciprocate my feelings. I was wrong, things moved quickly, they had to I was moving out of his life in less than a month.

I was house sitting for a friend, and after spending some time together during the day, he invited me to a friend’s house to have an antenna welded onto his pickup truck. It ended up raining and ironically I think a small tornado went through our neighborhood. He dropped his kids off at the movie theatre and asked if he could drop by for a visit. At 34, I am entirely naïve still, I figured we could watch a movie or hang out. I laugh now looking back, I knew things were getting intense with us but I was not use to men actually wanting to have sex with me. Kissing lead to a kind of passion I certainly wasn’t familiar with and then terror set into my mind. I whispered, “I haven’t showered since this morning, do you want me to go shower?” needless to say he was taken aback, but he giggled “So?” In some ways, I would have almost preferred that he would have said, “Sure, jump in the shower” because it would have eased the panic I was feeling. However, at the same time I was feeling like my heart might beat out of my chest, or he too might refuse to have sex with me once we got naked and down to business, I was enamored with this man who was making me feel “normal” for the first time ever. I can honestly say I had never had sex with anyone without showering at least an hour prior. Thanks to movies, and the fact that I never saw couples dashing off to the shower prior to throwing each other up against the wall and going at it, I knew in my mind showering first wasn’t normal.

I really liked this guy and I think he really liked me (he had already begged me not to move and to stay with him), and I trusted him, so I tried to put my trepidation away and went toward the light of “normalcy”. It was amazing. The way he looked into my eyes while we were making love, melted my heart. Now I know, I know, I am a girl and I just said “making love", ick right?. I had had a very few “fuck partners” in recent times, but I had never had anyone look at me like that. That kind of emotion while having sex was something completely novel to me. On top of that, he told me during the duration how beautiful I was, also a something I was not use to. And to top it off, after he was done, he flipped me over and gently kissed down my back. I think that was the moment I started to completely fall for him. He didn’t fly up, push me off and rush into the bathroom to shower or clean up. He wanted to continue to please me.

I didn't know sex could be totally satisfying, it felt remarkable, it lasted longer than 5 minutes and it wasn’t just about him. He actually cared what I thought, how I felt and encouraged me to be involved in the whole process. He talked to me and looked at me the entire time! Garth was right! My mom, as she often is, was wrong (and yes I am going straight to hell, but I am happy for the first time ever).

Sex with him, has only gotten better, I don’t know how you can get better than astounding but each time we are together I am flabbergasted, stunned and amazed. I have done things in the last few months that I didn’t know were physically possible. He is always kind and loving and although I am sure it has to be dissatisfying to be with a 34 year old virgin all the time, he never ever gives me the impression that he feels that way. He always seems as satisfied as I am. I think maybe it’s due to the abuse, or maybe it is who I am, but I am always excited and willing to try new things. I never need anyone else, I am totally satisfied because he has totally given himself to me.

I do feel sorry for my boyfriend. I warned him before we got serious that 16 years of abstinence left me ravenous now. I would have sex 3 times a day with him if I could. I would be happy to do it first thing in the morning, when he gets home from work and before bed. I am sure sometimes I am exhausting and overly animated whenever I think there is a possibility of getting lucky. But I am sure his friends would agree that there are worse things than having a hot sexy woman wanting to rip your clothes off all the time.

Originally, I said I wanted to date and to break a few hearts and get my heart broken, so I could experience life. I was wrong. I realize now, I am living and I have found happiness and “normalcy”. I still have my moments when I am not normal, I am still plenty naïve, and he knows I am damaged goods but each day this man continues to love me I am one day closer to the pure ecstasy of being able to live with him for the rest of my life.

“Yes, sex is always the answer it’s never a question, ‘cause the answer’s yes, oh the answer’s YES!”

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